So i slept for 12 hours after 2 sleeplessness nights and I woke up feeling sort of empowered as far as defending my marriage goes. I’m going home today and I’m telling David that if he wants to get divorced he is going to be the one that hires an attorney, or fills out the initial paperwork, etc. He is going to deal with it if judge wants him to pay alimony. He is going to give back my grandma’s car and be carless. I’ve realized that if I don’t want a divorce, there is no reason for me to be holding his hand and helping him try to get one. Like, at first I was blinded by my love for him, but now I’m like I want to fight for this marriage and if he doesn’t he is going to be the one that takes the steps needed to end it, not me.
I want to go home, I’m at my moms but I just want to be at home in my bed. I want to hug my husband, even if he doesn’t want me to. I want him to see how bad he’s hurt me.
RIP to the imaginary kids I had in my head that I will never get the chance to have now. RIP to the future I imagined. RIP to the love I thought was eternal. My husband just hugged me, kissed me and left and nothing will ever be the same again. When we see each other again it will be different. We will never sleep in the same bed again, go out on a date, have sex. I honestly thought that we were special, that we would get old together or die young together. Everything hurts so bad right now, I cannot see any light at the end of this tunnel.
And I will never forget that we began dating on July 09, 2007, we were married on September 10, 2011 and my world stopped turning on May 20, 2013.
Well, David has been going to hang out with Laura for hours at a time secretly and now he’s sure that he’s in love with her and that our marriage isn’t going to work so I’m going to start packing my stuff up and leave. This is so shitty. I honestly thought it was going to work by some miracle. If you don’t hear from me for a while, this is why.
My blog has been neglected today because I went to the zoo and took a nap and my personal life is still a pile of confusing bullshit. On an even more stressful note, I leave for Belize 2 weeks from Sunday and I still haven’t gotten my vaccines. :( Plus I have a shit-ton of reading I need to do regarding ethnographic methods and their culture and what not before i go. Oh sweet chaos. I am looking forward to going to Belize so I can ignore the real world for 3 weeks. The thing that I’m not looking forward to is that at this point I have no idea if I’m staying married or getting divorced, or if I need to be finding a place for me and David to live, or separate places for us to live, or what. He came home a few days ago, hugged me and said “I don’t want to get a divorce, I love you too much”. But since then he’s been doing all of this weird shit so I don’t know what is happening. Blegh
whyarentibritish replied to your post: Did the posts on my dash get more rounded or am I…
i think you’re still drunk, or i just haven’t gotten the update yet. but you’re probably still drunk.
It doesn’t look weird to me anymore, I guess I was still drunk. haha
Dean Winchester in the end of every season